just before i was giving up

19/07/2011 00:37 i got a phone call from my childhood mate bunty

he sounded normal to me. i was organizing my cupboard at my hostel. we conversed for 5mins and then he suddenly told me "please shave sadhu, this is not the time to take such risks please i'm getting scared to read all this, why you want to go through all this ?? please remove it for my sake

what else you want to experience?? you were caught for almost an hour...ab kya jail jaake akal thikane aayegi??"

then i realized what was the exact point of calling me at such an odd hour

" dekh maine isiliye ye time pe phone kiya, kyuki mujhe maaloom hai ki jab main din mein phone karta hu tab tu bohot busy hota hai meri baaton pe dhyan nahin deta..abhi agar tu nahin maana to main tere papa ko phone karunga....kyu abhi aisa kar raha hai ye time sahi nahin hai.....kabhi aur karna yeh masti....mere baap"

i was smiling coz i was habituated to all this....10 times in a day i heard this ...from someone or the other.....and he said he'll call my dad...my dad was already fed up of explaining me.....

i was smiling ..thoughts were on in my mind.....my mind fluctuated...i thought i'm scaring a lot of people ..that includes almost all my family and friends.....the rock solid decision of mine started to melt due to the emotional acid rain....

" Acha theek hai, shave karta hoon abhi ...ye kaam khatam hone ke baad ..waise bhi daadi mein khujli chaalu ho gayi hai...chal maanta hoon teri baat...karta hoon sone ke pehle..theek hai?? abhi tum log shaant ho jao "

"haan wo face ki khujli ke saath saath jo tere andar khujli hai na wo bhi khatam kar..bus ho gaya

chal meri tension khatam ...ab sota hu main ...bye"

i was pretty convinced..ya and i kept my shaving kit on the table and decided to shave before going to sleep

but i thank neha to call me....5 mins after bunty kept the phone...we talked for 37 mins...and i was tired now...i went to sleep...

woke up in the morning....was late for college...

shaving kit was then placed in the cupboard.....and was never given a chance to come out till this morning....

20/07/2011 07:30 my brother ritwik woke me up.....he came back from nadiad..his home-town....and i'm thankful to the YMCA ..that they gave his bed to a foreigner...because he was out for a long vacation....if that wouldn't have happened, he would've never come to bother me early in the morning,coz he knew i sleep late....

i slept at 4 in the morning..he woke me up at 7.30

" abey saale abhi tak wohi look hai ! shave kyu nahin kiya ab tak???"

these were the first words he greeted me with..no hello nothing....

i was in half sleep that time....but..his words reminded me calls of so many scared people around me...including him...

again my shaving kit got an opportunity to come out of the cupboard.

my college starts at 11, i comfortably had 3 hours to complete my daily courses and then shave..

Washer-man visits YMCA at 7.30 . i generally don't get the privilege to meet him coz he is there from 7.30 - 9.30 and that is the time when i'm deep asleep

thanks to my brother again...i had hoards of clothes to collect from him...the clothes were with him since days now ..may be 3 days...

i went down...

"102..18 kapde"

he counted the clothes and gave it to me

"kitna??"

" aanth bada kapda chaalis dus chhota kapda tees ..total sattar "

when i took out the notes...and gave it to me...'

" abey account bana le na! " ritwik said

" maine 3 din pehle in se puchha ki payment kaisa?? bola cash"

" arey abhi bata na tu mera bhai hai " ritwik shrugged

" aap bhai ho inke???? real? "

"nahin, cousin i said"

"kya naam hai aapka??" shailender(the washer-man) asked

"trilok"

"kya baat hai...aayiye account banate hai...sunday-sunday payment....chalega?"

i nodded....in my mind i thought....Rikku ka itna rubaab...don won toh nahin hai na yahan ka

lagta to nahin hai....

Ritwik is a average looking sweet boy...no one will say he is a TY engineering student...he looks like he is in 12th standard

while i was engrossed in these thoughts ...shailender stroke the bulls-eye

" trilok bhai sach batau??? mujhe laga ki aap musalmaan ho...aapki daadi dekhi ..aur phir aapne ye kurta pyjama diya tha...mujhe toh laga ki aap un logon mein se ho....par ab dekho...aapna naam pata chala to TRILOK seedha Shivji ka naam....aayiye sir ...."

you guessed it right...i enquired in the hostel and only i didn't have an account with shailender..

the shaving kit went back again in its calm darkness contrast to my triggered mind and its thoughts

so just before i was giving up..........i got reasons to stay back...............

it took 45mins for them to realize that I'm not a terrorist

being a premature baby, my lungs have always been weak.....coughing and i share a very intimate relationship since my birth





but never in my life....i thought it'd teach me a lesson ...such lesson..hah!





10:30 am dadar station(w) :::


it was raining today..i was planning to go to thane to meet my mom


who was about to leave for Ajmer tonight


yesterday was tiring..a friend of mine injured her leg and sprained it


i was with her at Hinduja hospital and then her place at night





i left her place and was rushing to dadar station


i was coughing as usual...all wet after geting down from the cab


i was walking at the nakshatra mall lane


when i sensed that someone is following me





i coughed and spat the cough when was outside the ticket counter.


a cop held me by my collar, and said "tum saale logon ne mumbai mein kachra karke rakha hai!! chal chowki mein!"


i was happy to know that mumbai mahanagar palika is so keen to clean.


i smiled and said sorry.





he asked me to pay 200/- fine


i knew i cudnt afford it then but still i knew it was my mistake and my hand reached my wallet automatically





but suddenly when i looked around, i saw n number of people spitting on the road , throwing cigarette butts(filters) etc infront of the clean-up mumbai people..


my hand stopped...i realized....why i was targetted


i realized my look made me the target





and now i got what he meant by saying " tum saale logon ne kachra karke rakha hai"
and what exactly was the clean-up for

i smiled, coz i knew this is coming....
i told him "sir....i cant afford it"
he said"kya??"
i said " sir main nahin de sakta 200 rupaye"

"purse check karu kya???"

" sahab main ye nahin keh raha hu ki mere paas paise nahin hai..main keh raha hu ki main paise nahin de sakta...main student hoon..hostel mein rehta hoon..mere khane peene ke vaande ho jayenge"

i knew i exaggerated...yeah i did...but i wanted to know what this man is up to...
i asked him, what if i cant pay the fine???
he said that if i cant pay the fine ....i m supposed to do community service for an hour

i agreed ...time was running..i gave it a try ,,"sahab..pacchas chalega kya?"
he said .." 199 mein bhi nahin chhodunga"
i said " theek hai ...main community service karne ke liye taiyar hoon"

he asked me to wait
i told him " aapne bola ki ruko ghadi lagao aur ek ghanta jhaadu maarna padega...sir time toh chaalu ho gaya hai"
he asked me to wait...
i obeyed...after 10 mins
a cop passed by saying " isko chowki leke jaana hai"
i smiled again....i went to the guy i was talking to....."sir ..abhi mujhe kahin bhejne ka plan hai kya"
"arrey nahin re...jo ulta baat karta hai aur fine nahin bharta hai...usko chowki mein daalte hai"
"sir...lekin main toh ek baar bhi kuch bola nahin...community service karne ke liye bhi ready hu ..ab aap hi jhaadu nahin de rahe ho"

he shrugged...neha called me
while i was talking to her...he said " pacchhhass de ..mokla kar"

i said" sahab..jab bol raha tha 50 mein chhod do...tab aap keh rahe the ki 199 mein bhi nahin jaane dunga...ab aadha ghanta rukane ke baad main fine kyu bharu?...do main service karne ke liye taiyaar hu"

he took me to the pan shop nearby
it was raining...he asked me to collect all the filters scattered there and to pick it up and throw in the dust-bin
he said " jhaadu nahin milega ..haath se kar..."

i smiled and started doing what he said...did it for 15 mins

he called me...and said " kachra failana band karo tum log mumbai mein....ja ab"


i didnt feel bad to do community service....but a question popped....why me? why today? why it never happened earlier when i threw chewing gums on the streets....why only me??"

there was only one answer
IT TOOK 45 minutes for them to realize that i'm not a terrorist.......

the pledge

the day began normally......it was 15th of july

i woke up rubbing my eyes to see my mom n dad who came from my home town for my sister's admissions

my sister was asleep..smiling face

i had terrible dreams. i was experiencing such dreams since quite a few days now

so it was not that trembling for me.

i got habituated to those nightmares now.

washed my face,greeted the almighty and my parents.

everything was going good until i took the razor and was about to shave my moustache

it was for my play i was supposed to be an Afghani, a citizen of Kabul

my dad said "beta razor le jao aur play ke kuch der pehle aap wo kar sakte ho..time acha nahin chal raha hai

aur please play ke turant baad shave off ur beard too..."

i laughed... i told my dad this is mumbai....

i shaved my moustache and headed off for the rehearsals just before the performance

it was just 5mins i was out of my house and i met my driver outside the gate

sandesh, a maharashtran from kalyan

he greeted me " chin2 bhai parso safe pohuch gaye the na ? sahab bola bohot ghoom ghoom ke gaye hostel? marine drive par baithna pada bataya sahab?"

i stay at an hostel at lamington road

the blasts that blowed mumbai off happened at a walking distance from both my college and hostel.

i said im fine sab theek hua

i went and stood in the Que at our society's junction for the vehicle which drops us at thane station

sandesh came back to me and said "chin2 bhai abhi aisa daadi nahin rakhne ka police waala pakdega"

still i was at ease

THANE STATION: it was around 9Am i got those stares

everyone looked at me twice and when it was the second time the eyes scanned me from the end of my hair to the tip of my toe

how much ever crowded thane is

no one ever pushed me

but today they did.......

FOR THE FIRST TIME MUMBAI MADE ME FEEL BAD

shivers ran down my spine

i was forced to look down n walk

i took a fast train too dadar

throughout the journey i was thinking ...

suddenly i saw a man yelling at me

"aye ..bag haath mein le...yahan aadmi ko khade rehne ki jagah nahin hai saale bag ko aadmi ki jagah dete hai"

i was drowned in my thoughts didn't get him

i said " kya?"

" aye mulle sunai nahin deta kya??

bag haath mein le"

i said " kaise?"

" do haaath nahin diye kya 'tere bhagwan' ne tujhe? chal hata bag

i kept mum

i changed my train at dadar and went to my college

my team was practicing

i joined them

we were all set for the play..but the thinking process in my brain was bombarding me...though i was engrossed in the enthusiasm of the inter collegiate festival at wilson college

i forgot whatever happened in the morning.

suddenly i got a sms from aalisha my friend

"good morning ! all the best for your performance and please do as i said ok tc"

initially i just read the text normally and kept my cell in my pocket

i changed my clothes and i applied the kajal in my eyes and while i was looking in the mirror at myself it just flashed what aalisha was talking about

last night when i was chatting with her, i told her m gonna shave my moustache tomorrow for the play

she messaged "please dont take risk

they might check u"

a tear rolled down my eyes

again the bombarding started in my brain

we were the next to perform

one of my team mates mayank said "trilok ! ghar jaane se pehle ye daadi shave kar dena aur ye kajal bhi hata dena

aatankwadi samajhke andar kar denge"

i felt like slapping him but i didn't

the play was good

our lead rashi rocked it

we were out everyone was going home

before i left thane in the morning i carried my razor to shave my beard after the play

but now something stopped me

i didnt even remove that kajal i walked back to my hostel from charni road

and i felt how my BROTHERS feel

it was sad ..even a kid in the cab gave me those piercing stares.

its been a month now i've shifted to YMCA and today for the first time they checked my id when i entered they checked my bag

the same uncle "mama" we called him ..i greet him everyday

he was not letting me go to my room

when i entered my room mate said " fuck!!!!! dude are you serious???? get off this attire

nahin toh tere saath hum bhi phas jayenge"

im not asking you to pardon my language coz that is exactly what i faced and what my brothers face since years

i have decided to stay in this look to feel the pain .the pain my brothers face.

they think their eyes scared me

no!!!! they are wrong.....their eyes gave me the strength to live it

MUMBAI made me feel bad for the first time in last 3 years

but how bad my brothers feel everyday?? i cant even imagine it

its high time we RECALL our PLEDGE

the pledge we found on the first page of our school text books

ALL INDIANS ARE MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS